Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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