WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
