I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
