if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
