the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
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