So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
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So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
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Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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