It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
