3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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