i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
