theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Randomize
