Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
