On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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