Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
