A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
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