I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
