I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
