Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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