I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
