Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Actions speak louder than pants.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
