we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
