At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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