All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
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He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
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He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.