I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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