i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
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Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar