is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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