His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
