the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
