Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Randomize
