My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
