So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
