that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
