Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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