Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
