Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
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