really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
