Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
