Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
