I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
