How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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