the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
