You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
