I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
