Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
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