omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
