it's like iHOP with fire
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Randomize
