I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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