im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
