I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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