You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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