I need help removing her.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
