Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
