You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Every concussion has its silver lining
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
pray to the hookup gods
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
