Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
