If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Randomize
