he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
