there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
